nesciamema

Purity is the opposite of integrity—the cruelest thing you can do to a person is make her ashamed of her own complexity. The stories of our lives have no morals. Any single conclusion drawn would be false; the episodes, taken together, are untranslatable, incomparable. If we are to conclude at all, we can only conclude against conclusions." -an excerpt from Fighting for Our Lives

So last week I was rummaging in my library, yes I have a "small" one at home, I searched out a dose of intellectual writings to bring along. Boy, did I find it and now after re-reading it it has raised questions about who I am...it truly sinks into your pysche and truly makes you wonder WTF.

For those of us in politics that have integrity (yeah- like all 13 of us) but are extreme purists this exerpt creates a real paradox. Technically we're old school, our mentors indoctrinated us young and we still believe the system "can" work for the people. Does it work---NO but then again we're now a mile deep in bureaucractic BS so original intent is on the shelf(again). None of us harbor those idealistic/optimistic warm fuzzy feelings we had being fresh on the Hill, that went out the window when we learned how shit really gets done. We really did think we'd change the world over night but then again we were teenagers & untried collegians with min life experiences. So many times we hear we need to revolt against it all, beat down the establishment and clean house. How tragiclly naive (but what a wonderful dream). Real change occurs when you know how to play the game, can play it like a virtuouso and then you begin to change the rules on the players from the inside. Yep there are insiders who are secretly reformers/anarchists/revolutionaries but in black/navy pin-stripe suits. Patience is definetely a virtue in our business, we weave around all the shit on the Hill, attempting to slip in bits of reform here and there. Ever so slowly but its a constant battle in the ever present war for the people. A war that's been raging for decades; occasionally in public but most often in the marbled halls, back rooms, bars and everywhere else in DC. The longer we're here, the higher up we climb, the closer we come to changing it but that's the staff not the moron members and office holders who are the source of the problem. Let me say the rarified air up here smells a lot like bull shit.

As for myself, I like my complexity... well now I do. Though it has been a long road to realize who I am. It turns out I can not be dissected into neat little segments though others have tried to do so, over the years. Too bad my godfather did not see that at the time, instead he attempted to turn me into what we needed: a supposed future candidate with all-around appeal. I think he was upset when I revolted & turned out to be the humanist policy wonk. I blame it on the morphine they gave me when I busted my knee which subsequently ended "the intended path". (Amen for morphine, that's good stuff) Cookie cutter activist I am not and superficiality drives me nuts. I think my life makes sense now and that works for me.

Hmmm, life experiences with no morals...no point. I like the idea. Conclusions only serve one purpose: to give some finality; a finality that rarely exists and most often just fucks up the experience of just living. So I say to you: BE PRESENT...whatever it means for you just be present.

OK well its time to get on the plane. Thank Buddha I only have carry on today, damn American Airlines almost always loses my luggage (for a day or two) it never fails.